A lot of stress comes from our relationships - relationships with spouses, family, friends, coworkers, etc. Reducing stress is key to a healthy, happy, and long life because stress could lead to sickness.
Knowing how to communicate well and build a stronger connection with other people definitely helps us live a fulfilled life. However, building a bond with other people is not an easy task.
Don’t you have this kind of experience?
You didn’t like what someone did or said, and you told him or her not to do that. Then he or she got upset and closed his or her heart.
Or
You didn’t want to hurt anyone, so you kept quiet and unhappily accepted the situation.
I certainly do have that experience.
When I was staying with my brother, he spent a large amount of money (relative to the size of our bank account, not in a general sense) from our common account without asking me. I was angry and said to him, "Don’t spend so much without asking me!!" When I said this, I thought I was 100% right.
However, when I said this, his heart became closed. I could feel it, and communication after that became a bit awkward.
Recently I learned an important thing that will make us better communicators and make us more connected to those with whom we want to connect.
What I learned was:
There are two intentions when we communicate – relating and controlling
When we say something to someone, sometimes we unconsciously want to control them. Controlling includes making them feel a certain way.
When we have such an intention, the person we are talking to senses it. Who wants to be around a controlling person? Nobody!
But when we intend to relate to the person in front of us, we have to be more open and honest. Then, the person feels more connected to us.
I learned this from Susan Campbell, Ph.D., who said in her book Getting Real, "in most situations, we can’t expect others to act on our behalf unless they feel some connection to us. That sense of connection comes from relating."
"Being present and telling the truth are its tools (for relating)," Campbell said.
So, in my case, instead of saying, "Don’t spend so much without asking me!" I could have said to my brother, "I noticed you spent XYZ. I was so surprised. And I am angry and anxious about it because we have only a limited amount of money. I am glad if you can tell me before you buy something expensive so that we can plan?"
Open and honest communication is not easy, especially for people pleasers. And you may always be worrying about what will happen if you hurt someone by opening up about your true feelings.
Yes, they may no longer be friends. They may leave you when you share your honest feelings.
But do you really want to be friends with people who don’t want to listen to your true feelings?
So, congratulate yourself when someone leaves you because they cannot handle your true feelings.
In the space created after the person has left, new people will step in, who are always much better!!
So, this is a virtuous cycle.
Today, can you notice if you are relating or controlling when you say something to someone?
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